Welp, it seems that childless cat lady Kamala Harris has all but cinched the nomination for the Democratic ticket for president, which means not only that America is in danger of being ruled by someone with no direct stake in the country (you tell ‘em, JD!) but that we’ll have to suffer through MONTHS of woke nitpicking about “women” and “misogyny” and “history” and “pronouncing her name right” and probably pantsuits. My girl brain is tired already!  

So let’s cut this gender studies class off at the pass, shall we?

Here are the top five reasons why Kamala simply can’t be president that have nothing at all to do with being a biological female:

Honestly, have you heard Kamala Harris laugh?

Liberal elites will call the GOP’s compilation of Harris laughing “unhinged” or “hilariously desperate,” but you know what? A charming laugh is vital to a presidential president.

That’s why you’re probably flooded with clear memories of Donald Trump’s laugh, which definitely is something we’ve heard! As for Kamala’s guffaw, there are some clear problems: It is both audible AND it goes on for more than less than one second AND ALSO is at some annoying register that is above a deep baritone.

Is it so much to ask that our president’s laugh be both audible and silent and feminine but also masculine?! Lol (but quietly), no, it’s not!

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Don't believe me? Take it from famed comedian and likability expert Sean Hannity, who really knows what women detest and want to giggle about.

Don't get me started on how Harris dresses

Kamala has worn outfits in her day that were – let’s just say it – distinguishable from one another in any way. This is very unpresidential! From the oversized sequin jacket she wore at Pride to those suspiciously professional (boring!) girl suits, Harris has made it clear that she will embrace chaos at every turn by wearing both colors and sartorial shapes that have changed more than slightly since electricity came to the White House.

Think this is just about her being a woman? THINK AGAIN, FEMINAZI! Guess someone forgot about the tan suit worn by a MAN that jeopardized an otherwise flawless global perception of what goes on in the Oval Office.

She's not a mom

Not all women have to be mothers to be valued members of society – obviously! As long as they have a good reason that includes both a biological excused absence but no yucky details and some sort of higher calling that acknowledges there is actually no higher calling than motherhood, then you go, girlfriend! Do you!

The problem is that Kamala doesn’t fit this very simple bill. She has two stepchildren she loves and who love her. Um, messy, am I right?

Call me old-fashioned, but I think the country runs better with a traditional nuclear family of at least three wives, ideally all of whom overlap, and children who depend on you for jobs in the White House and/or you don’t seem to know all that well! Once again, Donald Trump shows us the way.

She IS a mom

Motherhood is the most important job on earth. So how can this "Momala" be expected to prioritize the political stability of the planet when there are children for whom she has any affection just out there walking around? What happens if she gets overcome with a fit of mommy guilt when she’s about to enter the nuclear codes?

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What if her love for these specific children forces her to care even more for other children? Even ILLEGAL ones? You can’t fight biology, folks. All those maternal hormones could overtake her at the most inopportune time when a total lack of empathy is what America really needs.

And then we have the very important issue of likability

Libs love to call the very real and empirical measurement of likability “sexist” or “misogynistic” just because we don’t talk about it when doddering old men are screaming at each other about golf, but let’s face it – America needs to like its president!

For a woman, the rules are no different. All America needs is to want to get a beer with you but also not feel weird that you’re drinking a beer instead of a nice buttery chard, to want to be comforted by you in a cozy mommy way but NOT in a way that makes you think of your actual mommy, and also to find you utterly charming and down-to-earth while also being godlike and completely devoid of human flaws that any other woman you’ve known has had.  

America is totally ready for a woman in the White House. We know this because American women consistently vote in their own best interests for likable men! Just as the other hundreds of millions of women who didn’t happen to be the best fit for the top job, Kamala simply isn’t the executive branch’s optimal girlboss for the same unrelated reasons no other girls were! 

Hopefully, we can all recognize these coincidences for what they are until November ‒ when women will stand alone in their voting booths and decide how likable an America under Trump and Project 2025 will be.

Casey Blake is the Senior Voices Editor at USA TODAY Opinion. Follow her on X, formerly Twitter: @CaseyBlakeAVL